Ask Arlee

Help Arlee

2010-12-29T01:58:00.002-05:00

I haven't been able to write in this blog in forever because I am in serious need of some questions. Won't you help a sister out?

Dear Seeking A Deduction

2010-10-07T19:23:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee:

If a stripper gets breast implants, can she legally write it off as a business expense?

Dear Seeking a Deduction,

I am not well-versed in tax law but I can't imagine that a stripper couldn't claim those silicone beauties as a business expense. The same would apply to these often overlooked items: Summer's Eve, Victoria's Secret, Vaseline, any purchase from the Army Surplus Store, Shake Weight and Xanax.

I am guessing this is not a hypothetical question so I do hope this information helps you when you file your 2010 return.

~Arlee

Dear Morning Person

2010-10-02T17:28:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee:

Do you think that Folgers in your cup is the best part of waking up or would you find a “quickie” to be a better choice?

Dear Morning Person,

I must admit that I am more of a Maxwell House kind of girl. With that said, scientific research has shown that sexual intercourse releases endorphines in the brain similar to caffeine. I suspect it depends on your personality type. You should just ask yourself, do I prefer to sip my hot, steamy java slowly at the kitchen table rather than slipping it to my hot, steamy Javier on the kitchen table? Personally, I cannot function until I have had at least a pot or two.

~Arlee

Dear Umm...Negative

2010-10-02T15:51:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee,

My bf and I are really sexually open minded...but...I want something in particular done to me that I don't think he would be down for. It's like I hope that he will...I'm just too chicken shit to ask because he made a statement to me about an ex girlfriend that grossed him out in the bed room... I'm not afraid to say that all I want him to do is toss my salad! I keep my booty super clean and I think It deserves a little attention. He said that an ex rode his face and she didn't wipe her ass right and the smell turned him off from doing it to anyone...but I really want him to give it another shot with me... how to I come to him with my request? I can't just go up to him and say, 'baby, can you eat my ass?"..what do I do?

Dear Umm...Negative,

In the words of my beloved Meatloaf, "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that".

If you are adamant that this kind of bedroom atrocity must occur to insure your life's happiness, I would run a romantic bath, candles, the works and "accidentally slip". Arlee is all for open communication but I do not think any good can come of having a this conversation...unless you are drunk. I would recommend pure grain for this special occasion.

~Arlee

Dear Wondering

2010-09-03T16:02:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee,

I've been wondering lately, which men make the best lovers?

American Bride

Dear Wondering,

Simply put, the mechanical ones. If you are looking for the best husband then you should probably find a man that was orphaned before the age of five. It is terribly difficult to undo the damage done by a man's mother. If you are up for a challenge, take my husband. He is a fabulous lover and has a matching set of Samsonite.

P.S. Disregard that last sentence, Arlee likes to cut a bitch that messes with her man.

~Arlee

Dear Road Warrior

2010-08-26T00:06:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee,

As I’m sure you have heard…there’s a 10-day traffic jam going on in China due to road construction. Do you think these dumb as*es could have figured out a different way to do road construction besides shutting the whole highway down for a month? Sept 17^th is the target date for re-opening! They are moving at approximately a ½ mile per day! And what stupid m-effer would get up one morning and say, I’m gonna go get in that line of traffic and stay there for a few days? Wouldn’t you think they would warn them to avoid THAT particular highway? UGH!! I didn’t know people were so stupid! Oh, yes I did! Anyway, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this subject!

P.S. I was just wondering, where do you think these people are using the bathroom?

Dear Road Warrior,

One would suspect that in this day and age and with ample technology that road projects would move more quickly. It makes no sense to the general public as to why this project is causing such a delay and why anyone would voluntarily join the traffic jam. Move a fucking traffic cone already!

What the general public is not privy to is the elaborate plan that is this "road project". It is actually a Toyota test course. All participants are paid the equivalent of $2.00 USD. Accelerators are affixed with a snazzy floor mat. This "project" is backed by the Chinese government as an alternative plan for population control. After taking a fucking Sunday drive for a couple of Sunday's the floor mat is then enabled from a remote location whereby the car speeds and the occupants expire in a horrific crash. There is an eco-friendly carpool lane.

Population, China: 1,400,000,000 -1 -1 -1 -1 -1 -1 -1 -1 -1 -1 -1 -1 -1 -1

See how easy that was? Who needs birth control?

P.S. They piss their pants going 95 into a brick wall.

~Arlee

Dear Egghead

2010-08-25T13:35:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee,

Which came first? The chicken or the egg.

I keep thinking, egg...since no one has ever stated that it was a chicken egg they were asking about....so i figured, since dinosaurs laid eggs long before chickens were around then the answer would have to be 'eggs'.....your thoughts?

Dear Egghead,

I believe you are onto something, Dear Reader. However, it begs the question, "Which came first? The dinosaur or the egg. Which opens a whole new can of worms. As if the world is not complex enough, you must introduce to the universe another baffling question. You should be ashamed of yourself. You have just put the research scientists back on mandatory overtime. They are not pleased. The universe respectfully requests that you stop over analyzing shit.

~Arlee

Dear Storm Chaser

2010-08-24T09:02:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee,

I have had extra time on my hands lately so I've used a "latex lady friend" 3 mornings in a row. It happens to occur around the same time as the weather man is on the early morning news. Is it tacky to name my "lady friend" Marc Weinberg?
Is it inappropriate to name my "lady friend" Marc Weinberg if I am in fact a baptist?

Photo credit Fox 41.com

Dear Storm Chaser,

I think it is very natural for a woman to want to rename Bob (battery operated boyfriend). By giving Bob a more personal name, you will increase your pleasure and further fuel the fantasy. Marc Weinberg is a fine choice. A fine choice, indeed! Did your Bob come complete with Dippity-Do and a Crown and Coke? I highly recommend these optional accessories to create a more life-like scenario. The rules about religion and self-gratification are a bit fuzzy but my guess would be if you scream Hallelujah while enjoying your Matzo balls you should have no problem getting into heaven!

~Arlee

Dear Volunteer

2010-08-24T08:04:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee:

I just got “fired” from a volunteer position that I have been in charge of in my office for the past 4 years! I sent out an email to kick off this year’s “event” and was told that I was no longer in charge. No explanation or nothing! I am fuming!! Should I go back in and get an explanation and risk ticking someone off or should I just leave it alone?

Dear Volunteer,

That is a real kick in the pants! It is natural that you would want some explanation as to why you have been replaced in this volunteer role. That being said, I would leave well enough alone. Since this was a voluntary position and not linked to your paycheck but at the same time involves your co-workers, rocking the boat could reek havoc in the work place. There is nothing worse than a band of cackling hens. Wipe the sweat off your brow, pat yourself on the back for a job well done for the past four years and find another charity worth your time.

~Arlee

Dear Rocker

2010-08-19T08:55:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee:

Have you tried sex rocks? If so, what do you think about them?

Dear Rocker,

You make Arlee blush. I have never heard of such! What I have heard of is as follows:

Sex on the beach
Pop Rocks
Sex Slave
Gettin' your rocks off
Sex toys
Rock hard abs
Sex scandal
Rock it out
Sex kitten
Rock star
Sex Ed
The Rock (sexy M'effer)

With that said, I would not be opposed to Sex Rocks.

~Arlee

Arlee's First Award

2010-08-17T22:28:00.000-04:00

Thank the blogger who awarded it to you.

•Sum up your blogging philosophy, motivation, and experience using five (5) words.

•Pass it on to 10 other blogs which you feel have real substance

Thank you so much to Traci for thinking that I have substance!!

I strive to fix shit.

I honestly have to say that there are way more than 10 blogs with substance so I can't choose. So if you are checking your Google Analytics and you see that I have viewed your page you go on and grab this sucker!! You deserve it!!

After you get done visiting Traci, swing by my other blog, My Husband Misunderstood When I Said I Was Bi. And after you are done doing that, please share with all your friends the fact that Arlee is in need of questions with substance. This blog is dependent upon reader participation. Muah! Much love to ya honey!!

Dear ?aholic

2010-08-13T19:25:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee,

I spend 4-5 nights a week in bars, I tend to drink while I am there. For the most part, I am there working. The other times I just go to hang out with friends and play pool and such. What I am asking is because I spend so much time in a bar and I drink regularly does that make me and alcoholic or a workaholic?

Dear Drunken Employee,

As you know, I have no qualms about labeling folk. My question would be to you, do you feel more like a workaholic or an alcoholic. Do you drink because you work or do you work because you drink? Are you a functioning alcoholic? Are you able to successfully complete your tasks while consuming little bitch drinks with pretty, pink umbrellas? Are you going to have to borrow against your 401K for that much needed liver transplant? These are the questions you must ask yourself. If you are still having problems trying to secure your identity, another stiff drink is in order!

~Arlee

Dear Amorous

2010-08-11T22:00:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee,

My husband is a construction worker. He came home today, went to the grocery with me, worked out in the yard and didn't clobber me when he found out I bought a playhouse for my kids. All these things leave me feeling amorous towards him.

Why, Dear Arlee, does he ruin the mood (as usual) by making a comment such as this: "C'mon, let's go have sex. I have a big sweaty weiner."

Dear Amorous,

I can sympathize with your dilemma. Mr. Arlee has been known, on occasion, to sabotage the mood by saying such things as, "Can I hit that tonight? I mowed the lawn".

To understand your Husband's statement you must first be able to put yourself into a man's psyche. Males are a visual creature and are often times clumsy with bedroom talk. When he says, "C'mon let's go have sex" what he actually means to say is, "You are sexy perfection. My body aches for you. I want to slide roughly into your loveliness." When he refers to his anatomy as a "big, sweaty weiner" he really means "massive, dewy, love stalk".

In most cases, if you can hush him quickly enough the mood can be salvaged. I would suggest giving him a sneak peek at the girls as soon as he looks like he is going to utter a word. There's something about boobage that will drop a man's jaw to the floor leaving him speechless. This technique will work for a woman with even the most unfortunate rack.

~Arlee

Dear Delusional

2010-08-10T00:00:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee,

Other than me, who is your fantasy fuck?

Dear Delusional,

I will venture a guess that you are suffering a condition called outchafuckinmind, if you have convinced yourself that you are my (or anyone's) fantasy. This condition was found in 10 out of 10 men in recent studies. Immediate medical attention is critical. With a diagnosis such as this, it is imperative to receive proper medication to prevent further hallucinations. Talk therapy can be helpful in some cases. Now turning my attention to the matter at hand, I would have to say David Letterman. He is spicy!

~Arlee

Dear Lookingfortheupside

2010-08-09T22:39:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee,

What is the downside to a 3-some?

Dear Lookingfortheupside,

Your question is a common one; one that I have even asked myself a time or two before I was totally plastered. I would have to say, that unless you are a creepy voyeur, that holding the camera would be the least satisfactory role to play in a threesome scenario and may be viewed by some as a "down-side". However, if you are a photographer or enjoy this as a hobby...or impotent this could actually be the highlight of your fucking day. You may be speaking of a literal down-side. In which case, that just sounds like a lot of work. You would bode well to find a duo of gymnasts or a pair of those Cirque du Soliel, bendy bitches for your adventures. That reminds me, I need to confirm my reservation for my Vegas trip.

~Arlee

Arlee Needs Questioins

2010-08-05T23:22:00.000-04:00

Arlee depends on reader participation. If you have a question, please submit it. If you have friends with questions, please share it. Arlee loves all questions, she does not discriminate!!!

Dear D*ckhead

2010-08-02T14:44:00.001-04:00

Dear Arlee,

Recently I noticed a growth coming out from the middle of my forehead. The growth grew in length (about 8") rather than width (4") so I went to the doctor to ask what it was. He told me it was a condition called Penisitis. In other words I was developing a new penis from my forehead. This amazed and concerned me and I said to my doctor "I don't want to see this penis hanging there". My doctor replied " you wont see it because your balls will be hanging in front of you eyes"!!

I was wondering if any of your readers may have had a similar experience and if so, how useful was it?

Dear Dickhead,

Unfortunately, you find yourself suffering this ailment along with millions of other men in the world. Penisitis Cabasa first came to be discovered in Hollywood but has traveled the globe and has reached epidemic proportions. Fornicatias Penisitis Cabasa, or more commonly known as Fucking Dickhead is the most extreme form with symptoms such as grandiose behavior, arrogance and the feeling of entitlement. It often goes undiagnosed because the sufferer is unwilling or unable to see his own condition. I believe this denial can be attributed to the scrotum obstructing the eyelids. More research needs to be done but "HEAD" or "Helping Egotistical Arrogant Dickheads" has had difficulty finding willing participants for their clinical trials. If you would like to participate in this study, please contact HEAD directly.

~Arlee

Dear Boy

2010-08-01T21:46:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee,

Is it true that when you die your body goes stiff?

It's just that every morning when I look down at Mr. Big I think I must be dying!!

Thanks

Big boy

Dear Boy,

Rigor mortis is a sign of death while an erection is a sign of life. Thank you for submitting a color photo to assist me in making a determination. From the looks of things, I cannot fathom how you can tell one way or the other. I would recommend a daily trip to Walgreens for a blood pressure screening which will reassure you that you are alive. And while you are at it, a trip to an optometrist may be in order. I have taken the liberty to help you with expanding your vocabulary which will help you in your everyday life and on Match.com.

Per Merriam-Webster

Big~ 1. of great strength b : of great force 2. large or great in dimensions, bulk, or extent

~Arlee

Inconsiderate Friend

2010-07-29T16:25:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee,

I have a question for yeah, I have a close friend that over the last few years I have come to not be so close with. I have come to realize that she is selfish and seems to think it OK to just point out my family's flaws, Like I don't know my husband is an ass.
I can not be myself around her and she really does not get me.
We have a lot in common and I really didn't want the friendship to end, but at this point I can no longer take her.
What should I do?

Dear Friend,

There are a few reasons that your friend is acting the way that she is. Not knowing your friend's particular circumstances, I would say that there is a good chance that one of these scenarios may be fitting.

There are some people that like to portray themselves as perfect, with their perfect picket fences and perfect home-baked cookies. This type of person will focus on the problems of another because their own situation is not so "perfect". Rather than dealing with their own issues, they will work to tackle yours. It is easier to "fix" someone else's problems than to even so much as admit that you have your own.

There is also the possibility that your friend may see how badly you are being treated by your loved ones and feels helpless to do anything about it themselves. So, in an effort to help you, she angers you to the point where she thinks that you may take action yourself and demand the respect and courtesy that you are entitled to.

There is also a chance that your friend is a flaming idiot. One who could care less of whose feelings she hurts. In this case, dump the heifer. You are better off. Like you need someone insulting your intelligence on the daily!! Find a new friend that will value you for all of your strengths and flaws.

~Arlee

KCT-Questions needed

2010-07-29T12:16:00.000-04:00

Welcome!! Where all answers from the most serious to the most asinine are treated equally! This blog depends upon reader participation so don't forget to submit your most burning questions!!

HOSTED BY TRACI66 AND HECK OF A BUNCH

Dear Snot Curious

2010-07-28T00:03:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee,

A question I have always wanted to know. It turns my stomach to even type it but I gotta know. Why do kids (and even some grown people) eat their boogers? I have never tried it myself by the way!

Dear Snot-curious,

A researcher in the Eastern Hemisphere has found that Rhinocrudula, commonly known as boogers, may actually contain all of the daily nutrients needed by the human body. A clinical trial involving 100 participants over a one-year period has shown that the consumption of one's own Rhinocrudula has healing benefits. One third of the participants reported no illness during the study. No placebo control group was studied during this trial. This highly controversial organic healing has not been approved by the FDA. My determination...America=not ready!

~Arlee

Dear Toy Box

2010-07-27T23:36:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee,

I need your advice….fast!!!

I was lying in bed the other night, with my husband of 10 years, and out of the blue he says “I bought us some toys today!” I said “excuse me?” and he repeated it. I didn’t say anything. I was actually speechless. Where did this come from? How do I take such a statement? Is he trying to tell me something? I didn’t know we needed “toys”! I thought everything was just fine with what we already have to work with!

Dear Toy Box,

I do apologize for any convenience that I may have caused. Arlee has been suffering the recession and has been forced to take a second job selling adult novelties. Your husband may have been included in the mass mailing. Please browse the catalog. Cash and all major credit cards accepted. Thank you for your continued patronage!

~Arlee

Dear Slapab*tch

2010-07-23T13:39:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee,
Now that I am no longer working and in no fear of losing my job, should I go back and bitch slap all the people who got on my nerves, as well as expose all their dirty little secrets???

Underused Aggression

Dear Slapabitch,

While I do not condone physical abuse, I acknowledge that some people just really need a smack upside the head. I would discourage an assault if you are a pretty person. Pretty people do not fare well in the big house. There is no harm in a little old-fashioned slander as long as you don't have a substantial amount of cash banked. You must protect your assets! You certainly do not want to find yourself in the same position as our dearly beloved Mel Gibson. I would warn against using your underused aggression just for the sake of using it.

Thank you kindly for your question, I will see you on the nightly news.

~Arlee

Dear Pizza-Pus

2010-07-23T12:52:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee:

I woke up this morning with a huge zit on my libia majora. I was wondering if you knew where the heck that come from?

Dear Pizza-Pus,

Umm. I did not put it there! There are many causes of this type of anomaly. However, I have no clue what they are. I would highly recommend a visit to your physician, a call into Proactiv or become a fan of Valtrex on facebook. Cancel your bikini wax and that hot date you are so excited about. Yep, Your gonna have to nix that too. I would warn against trying to pop that bitch in the immediate vicinity of anyone you remotely care about.

~Arlee

Dear Nofunanymore

2010-07-17T14:49:00.001-04:00

Dear Arlee,

I was in a car accident almost a year ago and still under doctor's care for neck injuries. My husband had a thought last night and it cracked me up so much that I just had to have your opinion on it. He wonders if he could be entitled to punitive damages if I get a settlement. He thinks he should get a settlement because I am no longer able to perform oral sex on him like I used to. What do you think? Do you think he should be entitled to punitive damages for this sort of thing?

Dear Nofunanymore,

This is no laughing matter! Your husband's life has been forever damaged by this tragic accident. Before I address the legal ramifications of this accident, I would like to urge you to seek proper rehabilitation for your neck and if you are just physically beyond repair there is a "Dance like Elvis" convention that travels the globe and I highly recommend your husband follow it in hopes that he can perfect a pelvis thrust that mimics your previous head thrusts.

Legally speaking, I must ask, "Punitive Damages"? How puny is he? I don't know that he has grounds for a suit seeking damages but he may be able to be named in your litigation as a co-plaintiff. In order to make this happen you will be required to get expert witnesses to back up his claim that you used to suck. This would include any and all men that have experienced the pre-accident blow-job, as well as the post-accident blow-job. Get to suckin'!!

~Arlee

Dear Listener

2010-07-17T14:16:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee,

Recently I've begun to suffer with Tinnitus. It began after a rather bad migraine and hasn't really gone away since. Do you have any suggestions as to how to deal with it or ease the constant noise?

Dear Listener,

Tinnitus is caused by ear infections, foreign objects, wax in the ear or allergies that can cause wax build-up. Tinnitus can also be caused by by aging or as a side effect of some medications. However, the most common cause for tinnitus is noise-induced hearing loss.

I bet you are really regretting those front row tickets to the Backstreet Boys concert! I would suggest that you check the drug information for any and all medications that you are currently prescribed, take the wenis out of your ear and give them a good cleaning. If the noise persists, you may want to send your wife on holiday as she is most likely the root of your migraines. If all of these attempts prove feeble, a visit to your physician may be required.

~Arlee

Dear Sh*t Watcher

2010-07-16T11:21:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee,

What did Justin Bieber do to get famous? Also, why do monkeys throw their poo at the zoo?

Dear Shit-Watcher,

Justin got famous for the same reason that monkeys toss their feces around. As a people obsessed with the media, we Americans find entertainment value in almost anything. We are very easy to amuse. There is the same mysterious allure to Justin as there is to flying apeshit. In my opinion, the zookeepers should put into practice proper, more socially acceptable bathroom habits and Justin needs a haircut STAT!

~Arlee

Dear Readers

2010-07-15T21:30:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

I have been asked on several occasions where I receive the questions that I answer here. I get those questions from a lot of different people but one of my biggest contributors is "Mart". While I assure anonymity to my submitters, I really need to give him a shout out! He is the sweetest fella. He has such a ~~twisted~~ creative mind and keeps my inbox full of fabulous material with which to work. You have to visit him over at his blog and give him some comment love!

I appreciate all your questions but I need more in order to keep this in proper working order. So tell your friends, tell your Mama, tell the icecream man...just tell everyone! In the meantime, I will try to keep the cobwebs off my thinking cap and checking my inbox like Kirstie Alley checking the refrigerator!

~Arlee

Dear Eco-Nut

2010-07-13T19:13:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee,

Can I re-use the corn in my poop? If so, how? I wasn't sure and I thought this would be an excellent question that might be of some benefit to your readers. Especially the ones who are so environmentally friendly and enjoy recycling everything so much. I'm sure you'll realize how thoughtful it was of me to ask this.

Dear Eco-Nut,

You have peeked my interest in an area where I have limited prior knowledge. I have never looked at reduce, reuse and recycle in such an extreme way. That said, the benefits of reusing the corn from human feces is staggering. Less waste, less water to flush said waste. In a country where corn is a golden commodity the ability to reuse this corn for food, fuel and and many other consumables would be huge! In an effort to test this hypothesis, I ate a bowl of corn pudding, waited, grunted, collected and put the specimen through a vigorous filtering system that I devised with the spaghetti strainer and a hair-dryer. I was able to collect enough corn to dump into the flux capacitor. I successfully made it to 1989 whereby I found myself laying on a picnic table at a golf course under some dude named Petie with a "Milli Vanilli" tune blaring from the speakers of the DeLorean! So in conclusion, yes you can reuse your poop-corm!

~Arlee

Dear Shitface Hyphen Smellybreath

2010-07-11T19:53:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee,

My parents christened me James Shitface-Smellybreath and my name has been the source of much ridicule and laughter, all at my expense. I'm therefore thinking of changing it to Dave.

Do you think this is a good choice of name?

James

Dear Shitface-Smellybreath,

I can usually boast anonymity to my readers but for your particular issue blasting your name is quite unpreventable. First, I must say, Darlin' your first name should be the least of your worries". David Allan Coe sings the words, "You never even called me by my name". I am only to assume that you were his inspiration for this little ditty. I will say that in some countries the surname "Shitface-Smellybreath" is one of wealth and stature but if you are an American citizen you are only going to be able to get away with such an atrocity if you are cool like Eminem, hot like Jessica Alba or loaded like Donald Trump. For example, "Yo Shitface your new album is dope Dawg" or "Damn, that Jessica Shitface is sexy as Hell" or "Mr. Smellybreath, your car is waiting". What doesn't work is, "Shitface, I ordered a large fry". Yeah, not so much.

I would make a beeline for the Department of Vital Statistics!

~Arlee

Dear Smokin' Hot

2010-07-08T15:13:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee,

Two weeks ago my wife and I decided to stop smoking. We thought the best way was to only have a cigarette after we had done something special; a bit like a reward. After some discussion we agreed that the only time we were allowed a cigarette was after we'd had great sex.

Unfortunately this nearly killed me as we were smoking 20 cigarettes a day!!! On two occasions we caught fire from the friction, my wife now walks bow legged, our neighbors have complained about a constant drilling noise coming through the wall and Viagra have presented us with our own loyalty card.

Can you give me some advice please - quickly.

Dear Smokin' Hot,

It is easy to argue the health benefits of having massive amounts of sex (don't alert my husband) on a daily basis. It is when you begin pimping yourself out for perks that it becomes a problem. Much like a crackwhore, you are seeking your drug and will get it at any cost. By trying to kick one bad habit you have now picked up a much worse habit. I do believe that a call into Tiger Woods or Jesse James would be an appropriate therapeutic measure. Although, you can spout that you are a VIP member of the Viagra Hooker Club, the damage has been done. A nice card would be in order for the neighbors, perhaps include a gift card to O'Charleys. Folks like free shit. By approaching your wife from the back it should cause her knees to turn in. Knock-kneed is definitely a better look than bow-legged. As for your friction burns, you can probably pass them off as a horrific tanning bed experience and garner some sympathy. There is a gel/cream that you can purchase over the counter to help with the dry hump. I think it is called K-Y something or another. Congratulations on your futile attempt to quit smoking. Phillip Morris would be so proud!

~Arlee

Dear Worried

2010-07-07T19:55:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee,

I worry all day. From genuine things to the dumbest things.

What's you advice for preventing worry?

Dear Worried,

People respond differently to different situations. Worry is usually provoked by fear. By identifying your fears and facing them one by one your worry should begin to subside. Determining if your fear is irrational or legitimate is the first step. It is easy to get caught up in your mind with the worst case scenario. Typically, the way things play out is never nearly as bad as you have built them up in your head. Talking through your anxiety is helpful but if you are still unable to push aside the worries and your daily life is being disrupted you may need to consider discussing this with your physician because there is a pill for that!

Publish Post

~Arlee

Dear Sextard

2010-07-03T21:40:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee,

Is a 'metrosexual' some dude who has bizarre fantasies about public transport?

Dear Sextard,

I have crossed paths with many folk who are confused about this trendy, new term. Metro comes from the Greek meaning "going some fucking place" and Sexual comes from the....well, if you don't know what sexual means then you are either too young for me to explain it or you have no business knowing in the first place and probably should not procreate. With that said, the average person has bizarre fantasies about public transport. Most times involving a subway and a young, tanned, sculpted body fleeing his foreign land.

~Arlee

Dear Lost

2010-07-02T21:51:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee,

If a cross-dresser comes up missing, would they put his face on a carton of Half-n-Half?

Dear Lost,

That is a very stereotypical question you ask. If I were to entertain your question, I would answer your question by asking you to ponder this: Would a missing African-American be featured on a carton of chocolate milk? Or an Asian be featured on a carton of Soy? I do believe your Mr. Fancy Pants would be on a regular old carton of milk. I do hope you find him as I understand he swiped your favorite pink thong!

~Arlee

Dear Blasted

2010-07-01T20:38:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee,

My husband blames me for everything!

He stills brings up when we sold our dog 9 YEARS AGO, he blames me for it even tho he said it was a good idea at the time.

He blames me ever-time the kids get hurt..."weren't you watching them?"

The worst was when I miscarried triplets and he said " I told you, you should never of taken that cold medicine."

He is a good husband, and I think he points the finger at me cause he does not want to feel bad about things and blaming me is easy.

But It makes me crazy and I need to know what to say to him when he starts up with his finger pointing.

Dear Blasted,

People blame for different reasons. There could be a reason such as a medical condition; perhaps an undiagnosed personality disorder. It could stem from childhood. Being raised by parents that were also "blamers" passing on the "blame gene". Growing up with alcoholic parents where it may have been necessary to adopt an "I didn't do it" mentality so as to not rock the boat. It could be caused by low self esteem or fear of the loss of control over a situation. Or it could just be fear to admit he may play a part in something he regrets. There is a good chance that accepting responsibility means admitting failure. The first step to resolving things is probably going to be the hardest part. Having your husband admit that he does not accept responsibility for incidents as he should. Next, I think you should identify the reason that he blames you for incidents that he clearly has had some part in. Communication is key. If he cannot be honest with you, then you should encourage him to at least be honest with himself. Tell him when he feels like he is going to blame you for something, walk to the mirror and ask himself does he really believe you are at fault for whatever the current gripe is about. If this doesn't yield results, I would recommend marriage counseling to get to the bottom of this complex issue. As for blaming you for a miscarriage, it is unacceptable and I would like to say to your husband, "You are a little peckersnot"! And Dear Blasted, keep your pimp hand strong!

~Arlee

Dear Puzzled

2010-07-01T19:32:00.002-04:00

Dear Arlee,

Is it true that the Oooo Aaaah bird is so called because it lays square eggs?

Puzzled

Dear Puzzled,

Asphincter says what? What kinda smoke circle you sittin' in?

~Arlee

Dear Torn

2010-07-01T19:14:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee,

Should I join team Edward or team Jacob or just stay out of it?

Dear Torn,

Unless you are a 12-year old girl wearing silly bandz then I can't possibly fathom why you would feel the need to commit to either side. While I understand this is a very personal decision, if you must choose, you should consider the following observations to make an informed decision. "Jacob" has a pig face and "Edward" always looks constipated. I would actually push you towards a man of higher caliber such as Matthew McConaughey or Mario Lopez. Now there's a pair of men I could really get behind!

~Arlee

Dear Biscuit Head Rebel Pappy

2010-07-01T18:34:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee,

I've just invented the Viagra Biscuit. You can dunk it in your tea and it never goes soft.

Do you think it will catch on?

George W Bush

Dear Biscuit Head Rebel Pappy,

Mmmmm! I like biscuits.....

~Arlee

A Simple Request

2010-07-01T12:11:00.000-04:00

Arlee is in need of some questions STAT! This blog depends upon reader participation. If you have a question send it to askarlee@gmail.com. Share this site with all your friends. Please and Thank You :)

Dear Hairy

2010-06-29T20:38:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee,

How does a person with no right arm shave their left armpit?

Dear Hairy,

There are several options here. I actually attempted to shave my left armpit using my left hand. While, the results were not superb they were livable. It is not like you need the same precision as you would with doing something like painting your nails. If a streaky hairline is not the look for you, you could always pack up and move to France where it is socially acceptable to be a furry beast-woman! If you choose to go au naturel in America, stay away from bingo halls, beauty pageants, chorus lines or any where else that requires you to raise your arm to the sky! Also, a quality antiperspirant is recommended.

PS. Stand to my right on an elevator.

~Arlee

Go Forth And Multiply

2010-06-22T18:28:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee,

I am a middle aged man who enjoys playing with children. I have raised foster kids and now I kinda miss having kids in the house. How old do you think is too old to have children.... What If I find a real young woman?

Dear Dad-type,

As long as you are medically able, I don't think you are ever too old to have children. However, if you have already fostered children then you know that it requires a lot of physical and mental energy to rear a child. If you are waiting for the perfect time to have children, I can tell you with a high degree of certainty that even with the most preparation and planning there will always be bumps in the road. I don't think you have to find a real young woman but rather you should be looking for someone who you would be proud to call the "Mother of your children". That is not to say that you could not adopt as a single man. This kind of thing happens all the time and is not as uncommon as it was decades ago.

~Arlee

Dear Conflicted

2010-06-21T21:48:00.001-04:00

Dear Arlee,

When I was 24 years old, I found out that my "biological" father wasn't my real father. It was a man my mom had an affair with which happened to be her husband's best friend. I caught up with him many years later and we did a DNA test and found out he was my real dad. I tried having a relationship with him and all it did was cause problems with my "biological" father and also with my real father and his wife who was my mom's best friend at the time. 14 years later, I still don't have a relationship with my real dad and my "biological" father passed away 5 years ago! Was it selfish of me to want to know who my real father was? I have regretted it since the day we got the DNA test results back and feel like I gained nothing by it!

Dear Conflicted,

Biology is just that. Biology. It doesn't determine anything about your life but the natural color of your hair. And, L'Oreal can easily erase that genetic marker if you so wish. You were not selfish to want to know what genes formed you. That is totally natural and you should not be regretful that you wanted to know. Medically speaking, it is important to have a complete family medical history. But it doesn't have to define you. Does it change the way that you live your life? Maybe. While you may not have gained a father figure or a desirable relationship, you gained truth and knowledge. Knowledge of your who your biological father is. A life experience that you can draw from. Perhaps, one day you may encounter someone who is in a similar situation. You could share your experience with them and in some small way it could help that person. Everything happens for a reason but it may not be until much later that you realize the value in finding your biological father.

Dear Husband

2010-06-21T15:05:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee,

I'm 84 years old and find it difficult to concentrate and my wife insists on talking to me during sex. Should I (A), hang up the phone or (B), ask her not to call while I'm having sex? Also, I cannot eat or swallow solids anymore, consequently when I take my Viagra tablet it has to be crushed which means it hangs around in my mouth longer than usual and my tongue becomes stiff and erect making talking difficult. What should I do?

Sincerely,

George W Bush

Dear Husband,

You are not fooling anyone with your high profile pen name. I will not be calling your phone anymore. I suggest you hover-(your own self)-a-round your ass to Dr. Bizer's for new specs so you can see me walking away. I do hope that your new Playboy Bunny-type knows how to crush pills because I will no longer be doing that either! Just so you know, I have been crushing your pills for my satisfaction...not yours! Also, you have apparently stopped taking the Ginkgo because I told you I am too old for all this jackassery! And do not try to sweet talk me or tell me that I have just have my girdle in a wad because I am not falling for it this time. Now, don't try taking me out of your will because I have already lobbied the courts and you have been deemed ~~impotent~~ incompetent!

~Arlee

Workplace Encounters

2010-06-18T15:29:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee,

I met a woman last Saturday. I have started talking to her but didn't realize she works with me. I have a strict policy of not dating women who work in my building. If I stop talking to her now she may be angry and cause work drama. Almost feel stuck, please help uncloud my mind.

Dear Cloudy,

It sounds as if you have gotten yourself into quite a pickle! I hear you saying that you are conflicted between your principals and heart. The heart wants what the heart wants. That said, I would caution to tread lightly as you just met your lady caller a week ago and you already fear there may be drama. This could indicate that your love interest is emotionally unstable. Or, it could simply be your extreme paranoia! If by "talking" you mean talking and not "wham bam, thank you Ma'am" then there should not be any fallout by ending this courtship; but if you think you can lay up with a chick and there are no strings, I would suggest you purchase a copy of "Idiots guide to dating" and a first aid kit!

~Arlee

Dear Confused

2010-06-16T15:32:00.001-04:00

Dear Arlee,

I am confused on what I should do....I have a cousin that is a great mother..she has 3 kids & one on the way. She always lets her kids go stay a few days with thier grandparents, which I think is great. But these grandparents do drugs & fight all the time & are constantly going to jail for domestic violence. Two weeks ago her 3 yr old told her that she had been "Touched" by a friend of the grandparents. The childs father ended up going to the mans house & beating him up...Well my problem with this whole thing is that she never took her child to the hospital or called the police..I have recently stopped going around them because I am upset with her for not being the "Great" mother that I know she is. I think that she should have reported this. So now I am confused on what to do about it myself....I can not ignore the situation like she did...But what do I do?....Do I stay away like I have been?..Do I try to talk her into taking the child to the doctor?...Do I report it myself?...Please give me some advice.

Dear confused,

I do not know what the legal ramifications of reporting or not reporting this alleged incident but I do know that there are moral ones. You ABSOLUTELY have an obligation to report this to the authorities if the parents are not willing to be the voice for their innocent child. You can do it anonymously or inform your sister and offer to be her support during this tough time but either way the child NEEDS to be protected.

~Arlee

Absent Friend

2010-06-16T10:13:00.001-04:00

Dear Arlee,

I have a good friend who I have been there for several times in the past and mostly recently helping her thru a divorce. During the first few weeks of the split, she called me several times a day, texted me, IM’ed me, emailed me, etc. I was the first one to know everything that was going on in her life and tried my best to help her thru it. Now, that she has been living the single life for the past two months, she has met new “single” friends and recently started dating. It seems like she has put me on the back burner! She never calls, texts or emails me anymore and if I call her, there’s always an excuse as to why she didn’t answer or she will only have a short conversation with me. Problem is, this person has done this to me on a number of occasions with different scenarios. (We have been very close for 8 ½ years) Am I dumb to continue to be this person’s close friend? Should I try to keep in touch with her to keep the friendship from fading or should I just sit back and wait for her to contact me again and let our friendship fall apart?

Dear Abandoned,

A friendship is like any other relationship that you would have. It takes work by both parties to maintain and the relationship should meet the needs of both people involved. It seems that you have been a very good friend, has she? People outgrow friendships throughout different phases of their lives. Sometimes life gets busy and people are led in different directions but a true friend will "always come back". You should give your friend space while she is finding her "new place" in life. If the pair of you fail to reconnect you will still come out of the relationship having great memories and gained knowledge from life experiences that you may not have had without this person in your life. Learn from those.

~Arlee

Dear Snake

2010-06-15T19:51:00.000-04:00

Dear Arlee,

A friend of mine that I am intimate with introduced me to her friend. Her friend and I are in a relationship now but I'm still having relations with her friend that introduced us. Is this cheating if I only sleep with these two women?.... Arlee, please help me.

Dear Snake,

It most certainly is cheating! You two-timing, no good for nothing, slithering, slimy snake in the grass ! This is how I find out? Are you effing kidding me? I knew something was going on! Not only do I hope Karma punches you in the throat, but I hope it clotheslines you, you needle-dick, knock-kneed, Nancy boy! By the way, I have just finished burning all of the things you have left at my place. Including your favorite George Michael T-Shirt and your supply of extra small condoms! That'll teach you to go skirting around on me you little peckersnot!

~Arlee

Dear Referee

2010-06-14T10:09:00.001-04:00

Dear Arlee,

I have a question. I have two teenage boys (16 and 17) and they are out of control. They fight constantly and no matter what type of punishment I give them, they still do it. The 17 year old drives them both to school but they actually fist fight on their way. For example, this morning, they got in a fight down the street and the younger one walked home. I had to ride him to school, (which is not close). I have rode them a few times, but gas is an issue since it is so far and I use twice as much to get them there and then go back to get them. They have no respect for anything. Is there a bootcamp or something I can send them to? Thank you.

Dear Referee,

I am sure that there are "bootcamps" or other similar groups for unruly teens in your area and it would be as easy as browsing the Yellow Pages to find such a program. You may be able to solve this issue in your home. The first step to solving a problem is identifying it. Sit them down and ask them why they fight. Is there an issue of sibling rivalry? When you have children so close in age, personalities usually clash. Fighting while driving poses a serious safety issue and you should make clear to both boys that driving is a privilege and with that privilege comes responsibility. If one or both of them cannot handle the responsibility then the alternative could be the school bus. Although it may cause a temporary inconvenience, revoking the car privilege may prove to be enough to resolve this issue.

~Arlee

Dear Beholder

2010-06-14T09:22:00.001-04:00

Dear Arlee,

I have a woman who is wonderful. She treats me good and is fun to hang around. Unfortunately she is a little heavy and sometimes I am embarassed to take her out. I have plenty of beautiful women wanting to go out with me ,but I'm not the type of person to run around. Why is it pretty girls usually treat men bad, but the heavy ones are thankful for everything they have.. Are there any pretty girls out there that can appreciate a good man...DOUBT IT!!

Dear Beholder,

"Pretty is as pretty does". "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder". "Beauty is only skin deep". That's what my Mama always said. She also said that you usually appreciate something more if you have to work for it. Things that are just handed to you are just things. She is a pretty wise woman, my Mama. If you are embarrassed to take your sweetheart out in public are you sure that you are not having an issue with your own self esteem? That said, even the best relationships bred from friendship and chock full of love, trust and laughter will struggle to remain solid if there is not a physical attraction. Life is short. It is not fair to string your lady friend along if the courtship doesn't provide you (and her) with ALL of the components that you feel you need for a long-lasting, fulfilling relationship.

~Arlee

Dear Lacking Self Control

2010-06-11T15:01:00.001-04:00

Dear Arlee,

The other day my wife was bending over the freezer getting some frozen peas and when I saw her bottom, I couldn't help myself, so I had sex with her there and then.

Now the Supermarket won't let us shop there anymore.

Have I got cause for taking this to court?

"Well, um, seeing as how I have no brains or legal expertise, and Ed here was losing all faith in the system, am I right? I just went out there and performed sexual favors. Six hundred and thirty-four blow jobs in five days... I'm really quite tired."~Erin Brockovich

Dear Lacking Self Control,

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to quote my favorite movie line of all time. I am uncertain whether you have cause for action. I would recommend that your wife contact Gloria Allred as she has a magical ability to turn any situation into a feminist liberation crusade. There may not be a monetary award but your name would be splashed across the headlines of every trash magazine shooting you into instant stardom. There is even a possibility that you could become the new face for Viagra.

In the meantime, I would suggest you contact Tiger Woods to discuss rehabilitation solutions. There are many useful tools you could gain in a group therapy setting. One being, how not to contaminate produce for the next unwitting shopper.

~Arlee

The Origin of Dryness

2010-06-08T23:27:00.001-04:00

Dear Arlee,

How can I keep from going dry?

Dear Dried Up,

Being that your question is not specific in nature I will do my very best to cover all areas that I feel may be causing your dryness.

If it is your skin that you are referring to, I would suggest an over the counter creme lotion packed full of collagen and vitamin E. If it is your naughty bits that is causing the dryness that you speak of then you may want to give them a rest. Overworked and underpaid naughty bits tend to lose their moisture and elasticity at a quick pace. If it is your cocktail glass then I would recommend that you make sure to purchase your "Sunday bottle" on Saturday. When you say, "dried up" if you actually mean "washed up" I must confess that I am not a Life Coach. Don't you have any friends that you can whine to?

~Arlee

Shhh! Keep It Down!

2010-06-06T20:54:00.001-04:00

Dear Arlee,

I'm still having wonderful, incredible, fantastic, erotic, bouncy, noisy sex at 56.

The problem is we live at 55 and I'm worried my wife may here me through the wall. What should I do?

Dear Noisy Bastard,

I suspect your wife probably already knows. Just because women have an exemplary ability to ignore men does not mean that we do not hear. There are either one of two remedies you might try for this particular problem. One being handcuffs, blindfold and a hankie stuffed in the mouth or go home and have noisy sex with your wife!!

~Arlee

Itchy Scratchy

2010-06-04T20:08:00.002-04:00

Dear Arlee,

What's the best treatment for Mosquito bites and how can I prevent them coming near me?

Dear Scratchy,

Assuming that you refer to the actual insect and not some woman who is sucking the life blood out of you, the best treatment for mosquito bite is a bath. If the itching is so terrible that it gives you flashbacks of the time in college when that "girl" gave you that "stuff" then you may pop a Benadryl. The best prevention is to drape yourself with mosquito netting. This may not always be a practical solution so I would recommend "skin so soft" lotion made by Avon. I don't if it is the greasy texture or the fragrance but mosquitoes do not like it. No Sir Ree Bob!

~Arlee

The Omelet Controversy

2010-06-04T12:42:00.001-04:00

Dear Arlee,

Who ever watched an egg pop out of a chicken's butt and thought "lets eat that"?

Dear Lost My Appetite,

There is much controversy over this subject. The Romans are believed to be the first people to consume an egg. The Christians believe that Adam was the first person to have eaten one. Some even believe it was Mikey; he will eat anything. There is no clear answer. What I do know is that it must have been a man. My theory? Not to insult the intelligence of my readers but we all know that an egg doesn't really come from a chicken's butt. We also know that a man will eat anything that is directly or indirectly related to where it comes from.

~Arlee

When To Call It Quits

2010-06-03T18:05:00.001-04:00

Dear Arlee,

I am perplexed about a situation that happened yesterday. Please can you help?

If a bird shits on my car, should I stop going out with her?

Dear Shit on,

I empathize with the predicament that you have found yourself in recently. There are only a few instances that I would consider a deal breaker. Shitting on your car is not one of them. A good relationship is based on trust, love, understanding and the ability to meet each other's needs. You have to ask yourself, "Are your needs being met?" Have you expressed your frustration to "Birdie". Communication is key. Perhaps, this is Birdie's way of showing love. There are five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service and physical touch. Maybe the said shit is an "act of service" or even a "gift". Is your car a Mercedes or other luxury vehicle? If the answer is yes, then I would suggest a nice peach mango salsa and a side of pilaf.

~Arlee

Why Would You Shove Wasps?

2010-06-03T16:01:00.000-04:00

I received this question and I must say, I was a bit perplexed. It actually required a bit of research.

" Why someone would be compelled to shove wasps up their bung hole rather than go to school. Why would they want to do that?"

My Google search returned nothing useful in this particular situation but I did find a good descriptive that I may use in the future when the situation warrants. "She had a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp". I have seen some real lookers and I would've loved to have had this in my glossary of slams. But I digress. So after a bit more searching, I do believe Dear Reader, that this is an extreme case of regret and disgust. Perhaps where simply saying I really don't want to go to school does not accurately represent the level of dismay. I do not think someone would actually insert wasps into their rectal cavity (unless they are in Vegas, lost fifty grand on the slots and just hooked up with three hot hookers with a bottle of Jager). So my official answer is, this is some new-fangled slang that the kiddos are using these days.

A Sticky Situation

2010-06-01T07:16:00.000-04:00

Dear Stuck,

I received the very first question. I am confident I am equal to the task.

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

I can't tell you how many times I have pondered this very same thing. You have to ask yourself, "what is the difference between the inside of the bottle and the outside of the bottle?". Simply put, it's air. Air will eventually dry up anything (except the oil in the Gulf). Take for example, if you stumble through your neighbor's yard after an all night bender and spew in his rosebushes, said vomit will eventually dry up.

~Arlee

What's your damage?

2010-05-31T16:06:00.000-04:00

In past weeks, I have become an avid bloggie. Which is kind of like a groupie without the sexy rock stars dripping with sweat and cool tunes that make you break out your lighter or lighter app on your iPhone. I have noticed that most all of the best bloggers have multiple blogs. I was hesitant to over extend myself that way but I had a thought. Sometimes, a simple Google search does not produce the answer you are looking for. Dear Baby Jesus knows that I am a Googling fool and I get so frustrated when every keyword that I type in that little box doesn't turn up the answer that I am looking for. I am a fish bowl of information (well, maybe a 10 gallon tank). Some useful and some just downright asinine. I mean, really? Who needs to know that if you want to force procreation of shrimp all you need to do is cut the female's eyeball out?

So what's your damage? Send your questions to askarlee@gmail.com. Your questions will be posted in a blog entry anonymously (so don't worry, noone will know that it is you that wants to know which tampon size is best for your flow or if girls really do think size is important). Make sure you check back frequently for the answers to your question and to see if anyone has posted a question maybe you might want the answer to also.